Backfiring
by Petals Of Liliah
Summary: We've all seen the headquarters having a stampede of Zombies, infected by one of the greatest viruses Supervisor Komui had made. You ask yourself, what are the other insane things that the 'genius' made to make their days turned upside down?


**Well hey!**

**Boredom has once again, stricken me… Causing me to write an oh-so-random fic. And also, finally! Exams are finished! I can finally push the books aside! [for now.] "Knocked O-ver!"**

**This is just for fun. I honestly don't like Gay and Lesbian stuff, but yes, this just randomly got into my head.**

**Warning, it's kind of… out of the world? Lol. I hope you get my point.**

**NOTE: Special thanks to the "If You Were Gay" song, borrowed it for this fanfiction.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own D-Gray Man, nor do I own the song "If You Were Gay." [Search it in youtube. It's really amusing.]**

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**Oneshot: The Backfiring Day**

Kanda Yu.

"… Is a hardhearted psychopath."

That's what, at least, Kanda himself had heard from one of the finders that was with him. He was just about to walk back to his seat when he overheard the finders talk about his 'issues.' Of course, being the unfeeling man that he really is, hardhearted was acceptable. Kanda knew himself that he is obviously more ruthless than any other person he knew in the Order, excluding some certain fanatics like the general Sokaro and Leverrier. What made him be tempted to take out his Mugen in the middle of a train ride home was the word 'psychopath' being used to describe him.

It was intolerable_._

His pair of eyes fiercely stared at the finder who had said that very disturbing statement from afar. Did he know what psychopath really meant? A psychopath is a person who is either mentally retarded, has a malfunctioning brain, or a person who is mentally disabled that would goof off everywhere at anytime, and at any person who comes in contact with him or her. Examples of these psychopaths are such as the so-called beansprout and bunny, Lavi and Allen Walker. Although the highly voted psycho would be Komui Lee… or maybe it was just his uncontainable sister complex.

Kanda's thinking went beyond imagination and was about to trudge inside, until he remembered the happenings in the mission he attended to with them.

He originally planned on taking the Innocence right away.

When they were finally an inch away from its hold, one of the finders had screamed in fear as Level 2 akumas appeared right before them. Kanda, as cold as he can be, wouldn't mind to just let the finders die just right there- or not. He destroyed the pests right before the finders had almost been killed.

When Kanda turned around once again, his azure eyes flared-up when he noticed the Innocence was gone. He couldn't help but let the frightened finder taste terror by placing the blade right at his throat. _"Mission's over." _He commanded before walking out on them.

Kanda thought back on his actions for a moment. He couldn't help but twitch before he loosened his grip on Mugen. He turned about and started walking back to his seat, his dark locks of hair swaying by his back.

He'll let it go. For now.

That wasn't the nastiest part of his day, though.

He had to go back to the Order. _The _Order. Every time he comes back there, he'd be welcomed with a building that was filled with junk, or another scrap of metal that Komui had made. It'd be worse if he sees his own room thrashed down to bits. He stopped trying to dream about having a peaceful day ever since.

The train stopped. Only one thing was stuck in Kanda's mind now… They've arrived. He let himself walk out first, letting the finders trail him. He wanted to slow down, just for the heck of not going back there, but then he'd tell himself to get another mission so that he could leave right away.

He was prepared for the worst, walking past the opened doors of the HQ…

It was, the absolute worst_. _He was dreaming.

Blinking his eyes once, twice, thrice, wasn't helping him snap out of his dream. He mentally slapped himself for some time and it still didn't work. _Is this for real?_

People were doing their own business, no one chasing each other across the hallway. There was no machine suddenly firing bullets on the walls, there wasn't a Komui struggling from Reever's grasp. It was peaceful, too peaceful that Kanda could hear his own breath.

"Where the hell am I?" Kanda muttered. He was walking to Komui's office, no Lavi popping out calling out his first name. No beansprout passing by, asking Timcanpy what dessert he'd eat today. There was nothing except the resonating silence, but then he noticed Reever walking by with a pile of papers occupying both his hands.

"Oh. Kanda."

"You've got an explanation?"

Reever laughed, a smug on his face. "Oh, you mean this place being miraculously peaceful for once? It was just Komui's virus backfiring at him."

_Virus_. Kanda flinched at the thought of it. Never did he want to be turned back into a small kid again, or a disgusting blood sucker. He made his usual "Tch." reaction before Reever continued.

"The virus turns your personalities inside out, making you into an opposite _you_."

Kanda stared at the chief in disbelief, raising his brow with a grump. "And you're letting this go because?"

"It's not that harmful. Just don't let the infected people inject you with the same virus. They might have held unto those." Reever shrugged. "Go drop by Komui's office. You'd cry just seeing him working seriously."

Reever continued his walk back while Kanda hesitantly opened the door to Komui's office. Then and there, he made his jaw unconsciously fall open as he saw Komui, the one and only, working peacefully at his desk. He really did feel like he was hallucinating because every single thing inside the office was sparklingly clean.

Komui's eyes averted away from the papers as he felt a presence inside his room.

"Ah. Kanda. Got back from a mission, I see. What's the status?"

Kanda couldn't answer. It was too unbelievable. It was as if the world turned upside down in his view.

"I... couldn't retrieve the Innocence?" He replied, mistrusting his very own answer. He couldn't even remember why he came entering in Komui's office, not even why he was such in a foul mood earlier.

Komui searched unto his azure eyes for a moment, seeking an explanation. Nothing could come out from Kanda's mouth for shock just overcame him.

"I see then." Komui tapped the table with his hand before getting his pen and started signing all the stacked papers in haste.

"Write a fully-detailed report on the events of your mission, and write your reasons why this mission has failed. Kanda Yu, you may take your leave."

Kanda dumbfounded, reached for the knob and made his way outside. It took a long time before the converted Komui registered in his mind.

_What in the world is going on?_

He paused for a moment, and then gave off his usual "Tch" reaction. It wasn't as if he cared. Realizing this, he shrugged off his curiosity, dismissing every imagination that came to his mind. It wasn't dangerous at all, as Reever told him. So he need not worry about being involved in this mess. As long as he wasn't infected.

He headed for the cafeteria in peace, wanting to get his usual soba. He was living the life right now.

That was until he saw the cafeteria itself.

He saw a Chinese girl sitting on one of the cafeteria's benches, her legs wide apart. She wore a male exorcist's uniform, but it didn't fit her perfectly so the sleeves were slightly big for her skinny arms. Lenalee was playing with a dagger on her hand, feeling the sleek texture of the blade.

Kanda, speaking to himself inside his head, saying that this is completely insane. Especially when he becomes aware that she was stepping on a certain something. Her Innocence was activated, the heels of the boots grinding the _thing_ she was crushing.

"What's wrong, wimp? Can't stand up?" Those words unexpectedly came from the girl's lips. She glanced below her, the white thing that trembled, the sniffled cries that came from that certain thing…

_Allen was crying._

Kanda was certainly satisfied seeing the beansprout sobbing like a baby. The only problem was that he absolutely looked like a lady with the heavy make-up on his face, and a dress that made the boy look like a maid.

"B-but… You're stepping on me…" The silent stutter made Lenalee flash her furious eyes back at Allen, making her boots much heavier on his head.

"What'd you say, punk?"

Kanda wanted to know badly how Lenalee had gotten that uniform and how Allen didn't look like a gay with what he was wearing. He really did look like a woman. His question was just being choked at his throat, disturbed that he didn't know if he was to vomit in disgust or look away just to restrain his own laughter. He preferred the latter choice.

"Mmm- Kanda! My man! What you doing hanging out in my place?" Kanda examined the cafeteria, which was basically empty except the two. Perhaps the other people were too scared to be infected, or just afraid of _this _Lenalee. Summing up that he totally ignored the question.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Amethyst eyes narrowed to Kanda, he didn't expect that Lenalee would just swiftly, and accurately, throw the dagger she was holding directly to his face. He checked if his head was still intact, as he luckily dodged it.

"What…" Kanda started, about to release his own sword. But then he hesitated, much in fact he thoroughly checked the consequences if he were to draw his sword on Lenalee, who is, a girl, a lady, a companion, Komui Lee's sister, and the princess of this Order. His sweat trickled down his neck.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

"Fight me, Kanda Yu!" Lenalee stood up, kicking the white _junk_ to the wall, as he was a nuisance, something that just blocked her way. She had another dagger– more daggers. Twirling them by her slender fingers, she walked slowly to him.

Then Kanda turned, walking out of the cafeteria. It seems like he can't have his soba today. "I'm leaving." He was about to walk away, but then he was stopped by a threatening dagger.

"We're not done yet!"

"Go play with that trash of yours. He'd be happy to."

He closed the doors of the cafeteria before Lenalee could throw another one of her daggers, which he never knew where they came from, leaving an Allen that was begging for help and a Lenalee who was feeling like she wanted to destroy everything.

Walking back to his room with his poise back to him, he wished for a soba before thinking away in his room. Reminding himself that he only lives for that, the flower that kept his life intact to the world.

Kanda was once again, interrupted by a man skipping around, singing a song. He twitched in anger, his brows slanting and his forehead had just showed lines that were signifying his stress on this mess that no one dared to fix. The voice was so familiar, so irritating, the voice that kept calling his name.

"Yu-cha-n!" Lavi's arms were apart, as if expecting a hug from someone. He was skipping on the hallway faster as he saw Kanda.

_-chan? _ Kanda's eyes bolted right on Lavi, unsheathing his sword, and pointed its tip on Lavi's headband. "Come nearer and I'll slice you in half."

He was serious this time. No one- not any of them, will dare call him by his first name, and add a -chan right after. It's a death sentence.

"B-but! Yu! Can't you listen to what I have to say?" Lavi pouted, leaving Kanda aching to just cut him up to pieces already.

"No."

"Awww! But I was about to tell you that a guy just kept flirting with me earlier!"

"_What?"_

"… Yeah. It was so awkward." Lavi played with his fingers, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks.

"And you're telling me this again _because?"_

"Well, because… I thought you'd be disturbed-"

Kanda didn't let him finish, he sliced up Lavi's band. _This, _he thought, _is unbearable._

"Do not associate me to the likes of…" He scanned Lavi from top to bottom. "You."

"Eh? I thought you were gay, just like the man earlier. I mean, most of the people who see you think you're a girly girl. I know you are, anyway. Don't deny it, Yu-chan." Lavi raised his eyebrows with a huge smug on his face.

"Are you planning to die, right _now?" _

Lavi shrugged, ignoring Kanda's threat. "Oh alright, but just so you know, I listened to this song, and I thought you might like it. It goes like…"

Lavi coughed, preparing his voice. Then he started singing.

"_If you were gay, that'd be okay._

_I mean 'cause hey,_

_I'd like you anyway. Because you see,_

_If it were me, I would feel free,_

_To say that I was gay (but I'm not gay)"_

Kanda hardened his grip on Mugen, it was too hard to restrain himself from actually bloodying the man in front of him at the moment. He kept reminding himself that Lavi was affected with the virus, that's the only thing keeping him from killing Lavi.

"_If you were Queer," _Lavi started, singing again using his hammer as his microphone.

"Shut up…"

"_I'd still be here." _ Lavi continued singing and was circling around Kanda, even with his sword still pointed at his head.

"Bookman… If only you weren't a bookman…" Kanda said twitching.

"_Year after year," _ Lavi kept singing. Kanda's killing aura didn't stop him at all.

_"And I know that you…_

_Would accept me too."_

"My sword could accept you." Kanda muttered under his breath.

Lavi started posing weirdly in front of Kanda.

_"If I told you today 'Hey guess what… I'M GAY!_

_(but I'm not gay.) I'm happy, just being with you"_

"If only you weren't one of the only exorcists living in this world…" Kanda's hands were trembling, his veins popping out from his hand. It felt like his fingers were already engraved on the sword.

_"So what should it matter to me_

_What you do in bed with guys."_

How many times has he stopped himself from killing something? First was that annoying finder, then the stu-

"_If you were GAY, I'd shout HOORAY!"_

-id converted Lenalee that kept throwing daggers on his face, and now this? _"_

_And here I'd stay."_

"When is this monstrosity going to end?" Kanda, still talking on his own just to calm down. He gave as many reasons as he could just to restrain himself from stabbing the man.

_ "But I wouldn't get_

_ in your way"_

"Shut the hell up!"

_"You can count on me_

_To always be_

_Beside you everyday_

_You were just born"_

Kanda just couldn't take it. He slashed through Lavi, who was already running across the hallway just to evade him. "Die."

_"That way_

_And as they say,_

_It's in your DNA_

_You're GAY!"_

"Stupid eye-patched bunny. Go sing in your own room!"

"But it's already done."

"I. am not. GAY."

"If you WERE gay…" Lavi replied shrugging his shoulders as he ran faster just to avoid being cut in half.

"You… Stupid bunny! Let me invite you to hell!" Kanda activated his Innocence, sending the insects on Lavi's direction.

"Woops!" Lavi leaped up and his grown hammer supported him as he did so. He grinned cheerfully with satisfaction, before speaking again.

"Oh! Yu-chan! Guess what?"

Kanda scowled, choosing to ignore his question. Although Lavi thought it was just the right answer.

"I'm gay." Lavi winked, Kanda gazed. Lavi dove down, his arms spread, directly heading onto the stunned Kanda. He was unable to react fast enough, it was unavoidable. Kanda just entered his doom.

Kanda thought deeply. He realized just now that Lavi is, in fact a playful, happy-go-lucky man who does lots of tricks to the people he wanted to tease so badly. Then he observed Lavi's actions just now, which was obviously quite similar, removing the gay details that were quite disturbing. He even noticed that sly grin fixed on the red-haired man's face. _Wasn't he just acting like that? _

_Oh shit… You damned bunny gay basta-_

Kanda was never able to confirm whether Lavi was really infected with the virus or not.

He restlessly threatened the science department to create an immediately, right after his occurrence with Lavi,

Which was when, how luckily, or rather unfortunately,

Kanda Yu experienced his first 'manly' kiss.

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**Well, didn't know if that went well.**

**It's up to your imagination on what really happened next. :)**

**I'm really happy if you've read it up until the end. I mean, this is just some… weird… thing.**

**It seriously just popped in my head. I couldn't get it out of my head until I wrote it… Now that the burden's gone, time to focus back on the chapters of my other story!**

**I hope the ideas didn't fly away... O.O**

**Read and Review if you could please. :D It's rather OOC, but then that's how it really is supposed to be, right? ****Throw negative thoughts at me anytime! And give me tips too, if you'd like.**

**LoveMe , LoveMeNot**

**.Petals of Liliah.**


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